Word Vomit

First Draft

Note: Some of the language in this one may be triggering to those with eating disorders. EDs aren't mentioned or alluded to here, but in retrospect my colorful language is a bit graphic. You've been warned.

Journaling's been difficult lately, before I even started thinking of making a website. Maybe I'm just out of practice, it's been a while since I've written anything at all or even talked about my feelings (the previous entries were mostly me paraphrasing old entries). I'm not sure why I've started to bottle up, I'm usually an open book.

I know in the past when I've struggled with journaling it's because I'm filtering my thoughts, deleting & editing & revising to make myself sound as coherent & eloquent as possible... which is a bit counterproductive for a journal. I don't like that I do it, I'm aware that I'm doing it, and all I need to do to stop is just resist the urge to keep doing it. Easier said than done.

When I started this blog I told myself, "No filters, no editing, just write what comes out." The image that comes to mind is like trying to polish an owl pellet, instead of simply purging it and later dissecting it. It ties back to my struggles with creative flow-- my perfectionism dams it up, and the pressure builds till the tap runs dry. I don't expect to blog every day, honestly that sounds like hell. I also don't want to only publish the mopey shit, even if that's primarily what I journal about I don't want it to be all doom & gloom, especially since I've been getting better at combating negativity.

I guess I better set an example for myself-- today, I finally updated my calendar that's been stuck on January, I took the trash out, I picked up the laundry on my floor & put it in the basket (not enough to start a load yet, but I'd rather not wait for the carpet to disappear completely), and I prepared a roast chicken by myself. I also cleaned my earbuds (accidentally popped one of the mesh filters out, but they sound the same so who cares) and started journaling again! That's a lot done in only 2 hours.

I'm trying not to beat myself up for starting my day 4pm, I've had a very active & busy week so far-- work has me standing for 8 hours steaight (it's not a laborous job, I'm just pricing & sorting clothes, but it's murder on my feet), and last night I went to my first concert with my friend. We went to see Laura Jane Grace in a dingy underground venue, bigger than a garage but smaller than a club, covered in graffiti and stickers and wall art of calavera-style skulls & skeletons that glowed under the blacklight. I didn't get any good pics or videos, in part because I suck at taking them and partly because I couldn't see a damn thing. I'm not much of a dancer or singer either, but I did scream along to the parts I remember from Baby I'm an Anarchist, True Trans Soul Rebel, Thrash Unreal, and Black Me Out-- for the record, not that it really matters, I do know more than just the popular songs, but it's been years since I've listened to them, and of course LJG isn't gonna play the downers like Dead Friend or I Hate Chicago. The whole thing really inspired me to go to more concerts, hopefully some of my favorites will visit my city soon, preferably in another dinky little hole so I don't get overwhelmed.

I feel a lot better after writing this than I did when I started. That's what this journal is for.

Chokehold

I was going to start this entry with "It's been [X] months since I've drawn anything..." but that'd be a lie-- I drew a bust of my sona Dusty for my bio page, and I'm happy enough with it to have kept it as a placeholder for about a month now; plus I'm sure I've doodled some things at work that I just don't remember, because they were just mindless doodles. Really what I mean is I haven't finished anything in... god knows how long. I think since art fight last year, so about 6 months-- and that was all fan art!! For strangers!! Not even making art for myself!! (sidenote: I have nothing against making fan art, honestly I had more fun with art fight than anything else I've drawn in the past 2-3 years. But it's a different kind of joy, yknow? Like, surprising someone with a gift vs taking a dark, candlelit bath.)

It's not for a lack of ideas-- I have more than enough, the creative tap has had a steady sputter like always. My problem is that I just don't do it. I want to, but I feel like I can't. I said it best back in October 30, 2023:

I've been getting the familiar feeling of "I wanna do this... too bad I can't." I can list as many excuses as I want, but the root cause is that I'm too scared to even try, I don't trust myself enough to be able to enjoy the process or be satisfied with the end result, I know I'll get frustrated and degrade myself for even thinking I was ever capable.

I'm holding myself back, I know I am. I want to let myself go and try anyway, I want to lose the shackles I've put on myself, but I just don't know how.

I want to. I so badly want to. I've had this mental chokehold on myself for so long that my fingers are locked and I can't remember how to let go. I'm gonna strangle the creativity out of myself if I don't stop soon.

I've already lost so much of that spunk I used to have when I was litte, before my expectations outpaced my abilities. I used to be so confident, I'd say yes to every idea I came up with and felt proud of myself just for trying. I used to be brave, shameless, unshakably self-assured.

I know I have it in me somewhere, I know once I loosen my grip I'll be able to do amazing things. Realistically I also know these insecurities & anxieties will never fully go away, I don't expect them to, I just wanna learn to live with them & work around them, keep them from holding me back.

Why a Blog?

In October of last year I developed a mild obsession with Billy Martin, aka Poppy Z Brite-- a prolific southern gothic author, and gay trans man. Normally I don't like to put an emphasis on labels, I think it runs the risk of being reductive to artists & their art, but it bears mentioning here because I'm also a gay* trans man who loves southern gothic (though admittedly I'm somewhat new to the genre, despite being a big Edgar Allan Poe fan as a child I took a looong break from reading in my teens, and have only recently picked it up again). I've met & idolized lots of other trans and/or queer horror artists, but none have resonated with me as deeply as Martin, especially when reading his brief autobiography & personal insights.

All this to say, I did some casual e-stalking and skimmed through Martin's website, and it inspired me to try blogging for myself. Initially I just planned to use Tumblr, but my friend (link pending, if she agrees to it lol) convinced me to try Neocities. I was hesitant, since I'm not a very tech savvy person and my only experience with coding had been using templates on Toyhouse (which is better than nothing, but still not enough to give me much confidence). Still, with lots of encouragement, I gave it a try, and it's actually really fun.

But that's only half of the story, the other half being that I'm actually a pretty devout journaler, thanks in part to having been in therapy since I was around 10. I've found journaling to be one of my best coping mechanisms, along with art & music. I like to think I'm pretty in-tune with my emotions, I have a thorough understanding of my mental health, and while I still find myself struggling against it from time to time, I can at least identify what's giving me trouble and (usually) find a way to work around it.

So... why share this? I'm by no means a confident or extroverted person, I don't mind sharing personal details of my life but I can be pretty timid & self-conscious. It takes some big cojones to share what's essentially my diary to an unknowable amount of strangers. The altruistic (possibly savoir-complexy) side of me would say: I just want to help others the way people like Martin have helped me, indirectly, but still impactful-- to inspire, to be resonated with, to give others who have similar struggles a sense of being seen & understood... as eye-rollingly cheesy as it sounds, I want to remind others (as well as myself) that we're not alone.

Or, as I put it more cynically back in May 19, 2023:

When I write these things down I feel like I have to show somebody. Idk why. Maybe it's to say "Look how eloquent & coherent I can be when I write my feelings down," as a compensation for how I stutter & stumble when I speak aloud. Maybe it's a cry for help, or I'm lookng for comfort & validation. Maybe I'm just attention seeking.

Hopefully a couple strangers who find my little corner of the internet, and stick around to read what I have to share, get as much out of this as I do.

Special thanks to my friend (for now left anonymous), Billy Martin, Simon aka Solaria (who made the code I stole borrowed), and the kind folks at the r/neocities discord server, for their help (knowingly or not) in making this website.